Note: I typed this literally the day we found out we were expecting for the 4th time. I haven't changed a thing. It was a sweet sweet moment on October 29th.
My mind is spinning.
It has been 10 months since we said goodbye for now to our 3rd baby. I hope to never relive those painful moments. Eternity seemed a long way away when our baby went home to be with Jesus, I won't lie.
Then what we least expected, 10 months of nothing. Failed pregnancy tests. Crying out to God. An emotional roller coaster. I never expected it. God taught me a lot through it. But the sting is still so fresh, I hope to never have to feel that way again. It was HARD. I am a weak.
Month after month, my stomach would churn after ovulation tests didn't point out distinctly if my body was back on track. My periods came at random times and were hard to track and for Scott, my emotions were hard to track too.
I tried to enjoy every moment with the 2 sweet children I do have. Boy am I thankful. I spent a good chunk of time crying out to God to take the desire away if He didn't want us to have more. He didn't. I spent a lot of time confused. I don't like to wait. I don't like the unknown. I don't like being out of control.
He whispered these things into my heart while we waited...
Be still and know that I am God.
I am enough
Do you trust me? Do you believe me?
Am I just a genie to you? Or do you love me?
There were some hard fought questions, days with a very hard heart, days with a heart that crumbled apart but God was there to pick up the pieces. Infertility is HARD. It's hard on a marriage. Scott and I have a solid marriage but we had days where I was a mess and he couldn't help me. I had to learn that although he is amazing, the only one that could truly give me peace was God. Scott couldn't assure me because he didn't know any more than I did. It stretched us. I never could stop thinking about it and because men are wired differently, he could. That was frustrating.
I have researched, prayed and talked to God. A lot of the time I didn't want to listen because I was scared he would say "No, you are done". I wasn't ready to hear that. "I" wasn't done.
I have had amazing support from dear friends and family. I cried out my heart to them on more then one occasion and have learned to ask for prayer. We all need help from our friends, even the ones like me, who claim to be self-sufficient.
I dreaded taking a pregnancy test like to the point of shaking and belly churning. The entire time I would be in prayer asking God to fill me with peace as I was so fearful. 10 months of let down is hard.
Just today he whispered to me this verse...out of the blue He whispered it to me (thank you God!)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7
Thank you Lord for speaking into the weak crevices of my soul, for never giving up on me.
All of that brings us to today (October 29th, 2014). I am a day late (finally back to normal periods so I was freaking out) but had taken a test 2 days ago, it was negative and I was devastated. I needed to take another test but I just couldn't wrap my mind around going down the same path again. But I figured if I did it mid-day and there was no line, there might still be hope. See how much thought I put into this....it is consuming, people! I try not to let it but it does at times.
So I went to the bathroom and there was a faint line, a faint line people. I started to shake and I think my heart stopped on the spot for a minute. I about fainted. I might be pregnant. The thing we hoped, prayed and talked about for months. It was becoming a reality. My mind was light at the thought. I was so elated, I got on my knees and thanked God (and I am not one to get on my knees but I felt I owed God my very best prayer of gratitude). I couldn't share the news with Scott via phone so I piled the kids back in the car after only being home from preschool for 5 minutes. The trip seemed to take forever but when we got there and he came out, he was cautiously optimistic. His face, pure joy.
People, we are expecting another baby. (we verified the next morning and had blood work done given our last experience).
I mean I can barely type, my mind is racing and I have a killer headache and of course nothing tastes good but I am so thankful I don't care -- I AM PREGNANT!!!!!
Now the next journey begins, a journey we hope ends much better then the last time but if God taught me anything in the last 10 months, it's this...
He will see us through.
He is faithful.
He loves us.
He never gives up on us.
He is good ALL the time.