I have been dictating this post in my mind for the last few days as I process my thoughts. I have sat down to compose it on a few occasions and I get busy. As I watch the cursor blink, I am not sure exactly what to type. This is a season of life, I have to remember that.
So how are you? Today was our due date...never in a million years did I think I would be here not pregnant. I have grieved the loss of our child. It's not that, that I am feeling today. I am stuck. I know it's a choice in my mind I am making, but if I am honest, this is where I am. I look around and everyone is pregnant or having babies and I ache for my turn.
But I am STUCK.
I go in waves. Waves of complete trust and gratitude to my God. Waves of despair, frustration. I recently read a post by an acquaintance going through a difficult season in her marriage and she said she needed a sign that said, "Tread lightly, fragile heart inside." I shouted amen in my heart as I read her post. I have this overwhelming sensation of sensitivity. I have always been an emotional soul but this season has heightened my awareness. I am SO sensitive. About everything.
Things that normally I could brush off or let roll off my back, hurt me. I need lots of hugs and human contact. I need reassurance that God's got this, I know it, but I need to hear it. I am a delicate, fragile soul. I hate that I have to be handled with care, but I do.
This season, if you will, has been going on for so long (in my opinion) with no noteworthy change, I feel like a broken record when people ask how to pray. I don't know, just pray, I say.
I have realized just how fragile and week I am in my own skin. I am weak. If it weren't for God, I would be in a puddle most days of self pity. My thoughts often revolve around me, me, me. And then the guilt creeps in that this is nothing to be pitied for. A vicious cycle. Days go so much better when I am in His word, crying out to Him in prayer and asking for the strength I need. I need more of Him then I have ever needed in my whole life. I have tried to look to friends and family and Scott to fill that pang of pain, and they help but I need more of God. More of Him and less of "me".
He is teaching me, he is refining me and I can feel it. Uncomfortably feel it. It is through the fire, we are refined. Through the fire, we see our great need for Him and through the fire, that He can slip out of the cracks of our broken vessel.
We still pray every,single,day for more children. Our children pray every.single.day for more siblings. Our hearts still desperately yearn for more. So we wait with expectant hope because that is what we are called to do. He knows our heart. He knows me by name and He doesn't delay.
I desperately want to move past this moment in time, but until that day comes, I pray people see God in us, in this time, and that we trust Him completely and be thankful. There is so much to be thankful for.
But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Maybe you know someone going through a season of waiting and you feel helpless, how can you help...
- Ask them how they are? They won't tell you unless you ask and if they say "ok", ask again!
- Tell them if you are pregnant, it hurts more when people keep it from you, we can be and are happy for you!
- Give them a hug, they need to feel their Father's love through his people.
- Send a note of encouragement, knowing someone sees you, goes a long way.
- Pray for them.
- Saying things like spice up the bedroom, be thankful for what you have (we are!), loosen up, gain weight, lose weight, stop running, don't eat that, don't stress or think about it are meant to be helpful but if you have ever been waiting, you try to not think about it, keep things "fun" and loosen up but at the end of the day, you can't help but think about it and are things always fun in your bedroom, I want to say :).
- If you have been there and done that, share your story. I have been so blessed by people who have shared their story with me. Stories of waiting and hope and babies after months/years of waiting.
- And if you don't know what to say, a sweet smile is perfect. Chances are, just knowing you care makes a world of difference!