Ready to Listen...

Yesterday I was sure that I was pregnant.  We went to Target, discretely bought a 2 pack of tests and prayed all day I wouldn't wish the day away and would trust God whatever the outcome.  I woke up this morning, a mix of emotions.  Wanting to know and not, all at the same time.  All I want is another baby to hold.

Well there was no need for a test.  

I felt the flood of tears coming but in my pride, I refused them.  I was not going to mourn the loss of nothing at all.  I told Scott and got on with the business of the morning.  I texted a few close friends that I knew would lift me up in prayer -- I knew I would need it.

And then when I wasn't ready to cry, the tears came anyway.  They rolled one by one down my face.

My heart ached at what wasn't, the loss and what I was missing.  My heart aches for more, I know I am not finished in my "mom" role.  But God tells us not to mess with grammar - to not put a period that is meant for a comma.  Thankfully, He has placed some amazing women in my path who have walked this walk and understand the emotions and thoughts I feel and tell me they felt that way too.

God brought this song to my mind....

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step 
I’ve never been alone
Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go
I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

And my heart and soul are saying this today -- I will wait on you Lord, you are faithful.

Last month I was mad, like sit in church and refuse to sing, mad.  So God has made progress in my fragile heart.  There is no anger today, pain and sadness, but no anger. God can comfort a sad heart. God is at work and is refining me in the midst of all of this.  I can feel it and today I asked for prayer from my friends to help me listen, not just hear, but truly listen to what He is teaching me.  I haven't had much interest in what God has had to say, I know He has been trying.  He never left.  I don't want to miss out on what God has for my life as I scramble for the next blessing.

He who has begun a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6

Pray for me that as I draw close to Him, I listen to what He has to say.  I am finally ready, I know He will be faithful in drawing me to what I need and loving me through this moment.  

Come near to God and He will come near to you.
James 4:8a

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
Lamentations 3:22-26

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Psalm 119:105

Whatever lays ahead, I know this time is ordained by God.  And I don't want to be so focused on my plans that I miss out on His.