Every night we start our family prayer time, gathered in one of the kiddos beds, with that statement. "We are thankful for today Lord!" Yesterday those words stung as I said them. I pondered that thought quickly before proceeding with the rest of our prayer because the next thing we do is list some of the events and things of the day we want to give thanks to the Lord for. Was I really thankful for the day we miscarried? Then, just like that, God flooded my mind with more positives than negatives. Yes we lost the baby, there were tears and sadness but God showed up in big ways...So here are some of things we thanked God for yesterday.
Kind and compassionate doctors and clinic staff. They got us in RIGHT away and diligently cared for us. The doctor herself called with the results and acted like she had all the time in the world for us. We thank God for their wisdom and cautious approach. We feel blessed to be in their care and pray we can be a light to them.
My friend Emilie, who I called with 5 minutes notice, to tell her the kids were coming. I literally dropped them in her entry with nothing but their coats and shoes and clothes on their back - no extra clothes, sippys, etc and she took care of them ALL day (and even bathed Vera because of poopy accidents) and sent a delicious meal home with Scott and the kids at the end of the day. Caring for 4 kids under 4 at a moment's notice was so selfless and thoughtful!
The many emails and texts and scriptures and prayers and offers of service, meals, watching the kids....the list goes on and on that we received. On the most difficult of days, we were reminded what truly amazing people God has surrounded us with and how incredibly blessed we are. I really do not feel worthy of the fuss they are making and I assure every one of them all we will pay the blessings forward in time.
I cannot tell you how much more intensely I cherished Solon and Vera and praised God for them. Scott and I had a long talk last night. We were reminded what a true gift they are to us and they are from God. He gave them to us and life is so fragile - we relish in the 2 gifts we can care for on this Earth. I have kissed them about a billion extra times in the last 24 hours and held them a little longer and tighter. When we had Solon, we didn't give it a second thought and boom we got pregnant and had him and the same with Vera....this experience has given us pause to praise God for his gifts he has graciously bestowed onto us. It is not of our flesh but of His lavish love!
Our Father in Heaven. I can.not.begin.to.explain the feeling I have today. My primary emotion today is really odd (besides being extremely tired and sore ;) -- JOY **know that joy and happiness are two different things to me - I am not happy necessarily but I have the joy of the Lord, feels more peace-like then happiness, hope that helps put into words my feelings. That is not of my flesh folks, I really think it's God carrying us through and reminding us of all we have instead of what was lost.
And one last thought, even as a believer I have always been relunctant to want to go to heaven. I know, I know.....but today I was reminded that on top of spending eternity with Jesus, someday I will be able to embrace a sweet baby he knitted together in my womb. As I held Vera today, I teared up anticipating that joyous moment. It gives me peace that surpasses all understanding.
Scott's last prayer of thanksgiving last night struck me...."Thank you Lord for the time you did give us with our child." Sometimes in this life, it is about seeing the glass half full when really you are 99% sure it isn't even 1/2 empty. Scott challenged me in that moment and I AM so thankful for the time we DID have and WILL have someday!
Thanks for your prayers, we truly are beyond humbled. Things are progressing as they should. I am tired and sore but I have two fun snuggle bugs to keep me company, a beautiful blanket of freshly fallen snow that covers peacefully and a God who is BIG enough and got bigger to me in this moment and friends who are doting on me more than they should ;)!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. Isaiah 43:2
It was God who helped us walk through yesterday without falling into a million pieces...he is faithful and His words are truth. If you don't know the God I talk about, seek Him. Our greatest prayer is that out of this God would use it for His good.
And sometimes it is about trusting God even when you can't see why he is doing what he is doing. I have learned in my short time here, that nothing is mistake by God even if his plan is not mine...I love this song...."Sometimes life doesn't make any sense.....I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are" and "You know what it is like to lose a child" - and that understanding is enough for me today and God will take care of the rest...
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
O my Strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love. Psalm 59:17