Typing my feelings out...

Monday, February 3, 2014
Blogging for me is cathartic.  Sometimes I find myself typing blog posts in my mind as a form of internally processing my emotions.  The last few days several blog posts have been typed in my mind.

In case you didn't know and how would you, we didn't really announce....we were expecting.  We had been praying for God to bless our family with more children and anxiously anticipated the day the pink lines would appear on the test and they did....boy we were excited.  I made a little sign to let Scott know...."Baby is brewing" and we went out for a celebratory dinner.  I had all the regular symptoms every pregnant woman has - the good, the bad and the ugly.  We shared with a few friends and relatives and even purchased a ceremonial maternity shirt.

Fast forward to 6 weeks 5 days (Saturday).  We had a fun day out planned. Friends had given us ISU tickets and Solon and Scott were going to attend while V and I did some fun shopping in Ames.  We were to rendezvous for dinner.  Around lunchtime I noticed blood...I didn't freak out because I bled with Vera but I did tell Scott and we continued with the plan.  It was a Saturday and I really didn't think it was worrysome enough to spend all day in the ER.  By that evening I was in major pain and cramping.  I relegated myself to bed, cancelled singing on praise team the next day and prayed this was not what I knew it might be....

Sunday was spent resting and my husband donned his superman cape and we patiently waited as our dear friends prayed for us - we felt them.

Unfortunately this morning I awoke to larger amounts of blood and a heavy heart, I just knew this wasn't "normal" but I prayed God would be my strength in my time of need.  I was feeling so weak in my flesh.  I just wanted to curl up and cry.  I rushed my 2 kids to a dear friends house and went to the OB, Scott right by my side.

As we sat in the room with what felt like a million pregnant moms, each one looking more uncomfortable then the next, how I ached to be them and not me.  How I prayed I would not burst into a million tears right then and there...

Of course the minute the nurse closed the door and asked what had been going on, it was like a fire hydrant went off....tears bursting off my face.  As I prayed that I could regain composure....

They checked me and it was inconclusive so they did bloodwork which was also inconclusive.

I waited 2 hours for an ultrasound and I will never forget sitting staring up in the darkly dimmed room knowing the reality of the situation and knowing my baby was already in the arms of Jesus.  There was no heartbeat.

The depth of the pain in that moment, I would wish on no one.  It hurt to lose a child and look at Scott and know the pain we both felt.  Somehow, I let guilt and the feeling of failure creep in...

The tears of mourning have come, to us, there was a baby and we are mourning the loss we will never meet him/her this side of heaven.  The hope we have is that WE WILL MEET them when we meet Jesus and we will have eternity with him/her....what hope I find in that.

Of course the journey is far from over.

There are more tears to be shed I am sure.  I prefer to just not talk about it yet.  It will take time. Unfortunately the last snag is that they can't rule out ectopic pregnancy SO we have to go back in for more testing Wednesdsay.  Our greatest prayer is that we miscarry free of complications and for strength in the process.

The brightest spot in all of this is God's great love shown through His people.  We are incredibly and remarkably blessed with some selfless, loving, and servant-minded individuals.  I have felt every prayer and know God is at work in our lives.  Not once today have I doubted His plan for us...today stinks, I am not going to lie but in this life we know there will be trouble.  I am just so thankful I don't have to journey it alone.  He promises to be right by my side and His words have given me such peace and hope on a day that is so dark.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  Matthew 5:4

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  Matthew 19:14

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.  Psalm 55:22

We covet your prayers and will keep you posted.  We know God has our best interests in mind and although we don't know what that is, we know He is faithful and loves with a great father's love!
5 comments on "Typing my feelings out..."
  1. So sorry for your loss Erin...praying for you!

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  2. My miscarriage story is very similar, different details, but the same feelings of pain, grief, and loss. God was so good from beginning to end. I'm hearing that David Crowder song in my head: "Oh how He loves us!" Thank you for sharing. Love you!!! <3

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    1. Thanks for leaving a note - it's part of our story and always will be. Thankful I have been able to help others and there's a child waiting for us in heaven xoxo ERIN

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  3. Wait, this wasn't from today. Doesn't make it any easier, but I'm thankful I was confused. I was thinking you were going through it again!

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    1. Thanks Sarah - no thankfully! I don't wish to relive those moments again but I had that fear constantly when I was pregnant with Lucy. I had to hand over that fear to God daily. I think God let me be SO sick with Lucy that I didn't have as much time to worry too! Love you my friend!!!

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