Gosh just when you think you are done grieving, something hits you like a ton of bricks. I am really contemplating leaving facebook behind for a few weeks. There are so many wonderful announcements that leave me feeling as though I got punched in the gut. I have been so excited in the past about our own children that I have posted too, so I am not saying they shouldn't and they should be free to announce joys of pregnancies and births.
It really is odd that you can have two feelings at once - complete joy for someone else and heartache for yourself. I am a very reflective person and sometimes spend too much time digging into why it is I feel the way I do. This time I think it is because my life seems to be standing still while everyone else is moving on with theirs.
I am dreading the day someone asks me, "Do you want more kids?". I have asked that very question to others so once again I can't blame someone for asking, it comes out of a loving place. I just don't know how I would respond....yes we want more, we have had one more but he or she is in heaven now. I am sure the other person would turn ashen with that response...so I think a simple yes will do because we do want more kids, more than they will ever know.
For right now, I am fighting the duality of feelings that comes with this uncharted territory. I have had guilt over being so broken over a miscarriage, 1 in 5 women of have them, the doctors say it really is quite common but somehow it still hurts. I have tried to forge ahead and forge ahead we have but there are moments that just stop time where I am struck with a sliver of pain.
My guess is that sliver will always be there in my heart as a subtle reminder of the deep love for a child I never had the chance to meet. When I talk with others who have been through this, many still weep over their own loss. Even if it is common and happens "all the time" we need to grieve, because for us it doesn't hapeen all the time and to us this was a child knit together in my womb.
For now I struggle with feeling unbelievably thankful to be in God's family and showered with love and being frustrated, angry and sad. The human heart is capable for many feelings all at once and for the believers' heart some are felt in the flesh and some in the spirit.
The duality of feelings.