Thursday, February 6, 2014

Mad...

Yesterday was one of those days that no matter if 100 people did sweet things for me and I hit every green light in town, I would have been mad.

Yesterday I was mad.

I was mad my body was out of control.  My kitchen was a mess.  Vera wouldn't stop crying.  I nearly got in a car accident.  The roads sucked.  My wedding ring went missing.  Solon spilled milk.  Scott got home later than I wanted.  The fridge was too full.  3 friends announced pregnancies (such an odd emotion, so incredibly happy for them but makes me ache for me, hope others understand).  And life was just not going my way.

I was just mad.

By the end of the day, my family was tired of tip-toeing around me and retreated downstairs for several rounds of Candyland, which they didn't ask me to play.  Not that I wanted to play anyway.
I  just wanted to be mad.

I told them to pray without me, I didn't want to seek God or talk to God and I didn't want to hear them talk to Him either.  I went searching for my wedding ring for the 1000th time that day and lo and behold I found it where I looked a million times before.  Relief flooded my heart and my hardened heart started to melt...God had answered the prayer of my 4 year old son, even though I didn't deserve the answered prayer.

Grace.

I went in and apologized to each of the kids and then went and took a long, hot bath while listening to one of my favorite artists, JJ Heller.  Tears silently crept from my eyes and down my face.  

Each tear for the lack of control I have felt this week and the inability to even control my emotions due to my hormones taking a nose dive.  Even with the doctor's assurance I would return to normal one of these days,  I hadn't felt normal in nearly 4 weeks and now it was for nothing more than a monumental period.

I was mad I wasn't me.

I had spent the day in a temper tantrum with God.

And laying in that tub, tears streaming down my face, I returned to God, letting Him put His loving arms around me as words from a friend lingered in my mind.  "He is big enough for your anger and pain, let Him take it."

After the bath, I went down and apolgoized to Scott for my behavior and curled up in his arms and he responded with...I understand and I give you grace.

And with that I decided yesterday's chapter was meant to be closed in anticipation that God's mercies would be new in the morning.

And they are....

Who knows what tomorrow will bring or the next day but until then I have to trust God will bring us through, even if my head knows He is trustworthy but my heart is hurt and having a hard time catching up.

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