Monday, September 16, 2013

Let's just get real, shall we....

I have a million things I need to blog about, let's face it, I am behind.  I have just not had the zest for the blog lately.  Let's be honest, I have not had a real zest for life in general lately.  I have been drowning...

Drowning in my own anxiety.

I have been floundering for a while but for some dang reason I have to flop around like a fish gasping for air on the dock trying to find what it is I am looking for.  There I am just flopping...

Maybe the best way to put it is -- I have been surviving.  AND all I have wanted for a really long time is to be "ME" again.  I have kept up on the appearances and daily duties of mommy and wife hood and hoped and prayed with all my might that God would help me and in the meantime nobody would figure out my deep dark secret....

But that's just it I believed the lie that I could fix this.  I tried working out (it has worked in the past), memorizing comforting scriptures, doing bible study and none of it seemed to work.  I was FRUSTRATED and had such immense guilt over feeling the way I did.

To sum it up my anxious thoughts consumed every part of my day.  There was not a single second I was awake that some anxious thought did not creep in.  I don't know if it is the fact I turned 30 and both my aunts battled hard core cancers in their 30's or the fact that I just could not control my health.   It was not until I finally faced reality...I have a problem and I need help.

See the thing is mental health issues are taboo in this country.  Did you know 1 in 3 of us struggle at some point in our lives with it and 50% never get help because they are too embarrassed.  Why is that if someone is sick with an infection, they can go to the doctor and get medicine no question asked but when you seek medicine for mental health you are seen as "crazy" or weak for not fixing it yourself.

Then there is some in our Christian population that tell you "you are letting the devil control you" or "you have too much sin in your life and God is trying to get your attention".  How come someone with cancer doesn't get told that?  Let me tell you these are lies people - lies!!!

I am here to tell you - I am not letting Satan control me and I may have sin in my life like anyone else but that is not the cause of my anxiety.  I believe my anxiety is part of me, always has been and always will be.  It is the way I choose to deal with it...

So about 3 weeks ago I went to the doctor and I was making myself physically sick from the anxiety-nausea, pain in my extremities, fatigue and IBS...I was at the end of myself and was ready to humble myself and my pride and ask for help!

And I am so thankful I did...

My doctor prayed with me as tears rolled down my face.  I knew I wasn't crazy but I knew I could not only survive this life, I could thrive.

She recommended a small pill (lexepro) taken once daily that would help regulate my seratonin levels.  She reminded me we are all wired differently and this is a season in my life that I just need a little help and many young moms struggle.  I had believed for so long that I should be able to fix it, my anxiety wasn't that bad and God would fix this.  Well what if God is going to fix this with a thing called medicine, was that so bad? NO.

So here I am 3 weeks later and today is a GOOD day.  I feel more like me everyday.  I am not just going through the motions of life but I am enjoying those motions again.  Baking cookies with the kids and genuine laughter.

I hesitated to put this out there for a long time but I told God I would use my story to let others know they are not alone.  Needing medicine doesn't make you a bad person and having anxiety or depression doesn't make you crazy.  You are not alone...

God IS helping me overcome this, I just had to get out of His way and stop trying in my own strength to fix the problem.  I am far from "perfect" but I will be darned if He can't use the beautiful mess He has made in me.

2 comments:

  1. Love you. So glad you are feeling like you again. Miss you. Thanks for sharing everything. Love that about you, definitely used for His glory.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So true! Thanks for speaking out! Glad you are coming out of the "darkness". You are winning this battle!

    ReplyDelete

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